mind the gap  

I'd used my afternoon break to go get a bottle of liquor,
which was in a brown paper bag.

Waiting in the lobby for an elevator, an older acquaintance,
who is the only other person waiting, eyes my bag and asks
what's in it. I show him the top of the bottle of bombay
sapphire, and he smiles, just as we're walking into an
elevator towards the back.

a moment later, just as the doors are closing, a young
delivery boy pops into the elevator, presses his floor and
stands facing away from us.

As we start to rise, the older guy says, "well, if the elevator
breaks down, I know what we'll be doing!"

(long pause...delivery boy shifts uncomfortably, I'm trying
to contain myself)

The older guy then says, "that's a good brand of gin!".

The delivery boy cracks up, visibly relieved and shakes
his head,
"I didn't know what you guys were talking about! phew!"

edited: 10 Sep 2004   

on a similar note...

a bunch of friends and i were driving around. i live in a
college town and there are always incredible girls walking
around everywhere. we're noticing this one and that one.
and one guy says...

"whoa check her out, i'd fuck the hell out of her!"

as we drive past her it's apparent she's probably like 11 years
old. we couldn't figure out if he needed new glasses or lots of
counseling.

edited: 10 Sep 2004   

this happened about 2 weeks ago....

i bought an xbox game.

got it home and opened it up.

no game was inside, only a folded up car brochure.

guess which game it was.....










...... it was thief  

I'll admit guilt to that too .... there's something they added in milk. girl's weren't built like that when I was young.  

djugel, who are you kidding .... u love doods  

This sounds like the beginning of a great porno:

 

ummm ... no?? little girls .. is that better. I wasn't refering to cop ass.  

oh .. that was a joke. haha..he ..ho...  

i am always talking to weird people, hookers, homeless people, drunks, degenerates, crazies, the lot. i have tons of good stories...

there is a homeless guy near my house named cisco. he is always trying to get me to give him money, and i probably would if he wasn't such an asshole. i told him i didn't have any money, which was true. then he got all pissy "well when are you going to have some money"
"i don't know, probably when i get a job."
"well you NEED to get a job."
i guess he told me.

i was walking home one day and it was raining. there are a few hookers a couple of blocks from my house and i noticed that one of them was trying to talk to me. i took of my headphones and she was asking if i would share my umbrella. of course i will let her. she points out this other hooker about a quarter of the way down the block and says "see that bitch right there? she'a got HIV and she don't tell nobody, but i tell them."
yikes!

i was in this bar one time and there was a guy standing in front of me and this fairly attractive girl walked passed us and he turned around and said to me in hs wonderflly appropriate southern accent, "that shit'll bake a bulldog break it's chain."  

I wonder if I should let the acid stories out of the closet. mmm ... no  

only if they're Funny Stories™  

my sister was out drinking one summer night and left her cell phone in a taxi. when she got home she dialled the number hoping the taxi driver would pick it up and she could arrange to have him drop it off at her place.

instead, some drunk guy in the back of the cab answers it, so she says 'can i please speak to the taxi driver' and he says 'not unless you agree to meet me, i'm lonely and want some company'. they argue for a bit and then the guy says 'well if you don't want to meet me then you can kiss your phone goodbye'. she hears some rustling and some traffic noises and then a woman's voice comes on the phone and says 'hello? someone just threw this phone out of a taxi and it came through my driver's side window and landed on my lap!'

so, they agree to meet up and my sister gets her phone back. buddy in the taxi threw it out the window at an intersection into another car.

i guess you have to know my sister for this to be funny. weird shit like this happens to her all the time.  

The other week I was out with a couple of mates to see Esem play up at old street. We ended up very drunk on Leffe and wandered down to an all-night cafe to get coffees and beer munchies.

Looking at all their wares all they seemed to have was rolls filled with bacon. I said, "Im so hungry and all they have is bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, BACON!". [I dont eat meat]

I turned to another guy that was getting served and asked him if he'd noticed this as well. With a stern look and tone of voice to match, he said, "NO I HAVENT. NO I HAVENT NOTICED THAT AT ALL!" and stormed off.

As he was walking off I noticed he was wearing a police uniform.

edited: 10 Sep 2004   

holy shit! haha that is hilarious!